“What’s wrong with being a nice guy?”
If this is your reaction, that’s already a sign that you should read this article. After going through Dr. Robert Glover’s book ‘No More Mr. Nice Guy’, I found out being a nice guy can destroy your dating life or relationship with your spouse.
Are You A Nice Guy?
If you’re curious as to just how much of an impact the nice guy trait has on your success, keep reading. Here are the top ten signs that you are a nice guy, and what to do about it in order to ensure your success.
1. Nice Guy or A**hole Seems to Be the Only Two Options
Usually, nice guys are too rigid with their perspective. They don’t see anything wrong with being nice and think that if you’re not nice, you have to swing to the opposite end of the extreme and become extremely rude.
The truth is that there is a full spectrum of options between these extremes. You can be nice, but still have a backbone, set boundaries, and say no to requests.
2. You Give Expecting to Get Something in Return
Nice guys have what Dr. Glover calls “covert contracts.” They are false belief systems about how the world works. Any gift they give isn’t truly selfless. They come with an unstated expectation that it will be paid back.
When it is not, which it often isn’t because the other party isn’t aware of this contract, they become resentful or frustrated.
Don’t expect people to do things for you without you having to ask just because you did the same for them. People have their own obligations.
To solve this, improve your communication with your others. Don’t take someone out for dinner expecting that they’re now obligated to have sex with you.
That’s not how the real world works because relationships aren’t transactional like that; instead, they’re moments to connect with actual human beings. If something is bothering you, clearly let others know. You don’t have to hide it.
3. You Believe that if You’re Nice, Everyone Will Love & Desire You
When I was in high school, a kid in my class told me he hated me. I was devastated for days because I was nothing but nice to him. How and why should he hate me? He seemed to just hate me for the fun of it.
I learned that you can’t please everyone and you’ll just hurt yourself trying to do so. Being a good guy alone doesn’t mean that the world owes you anything. Nor does it mean that the heavens will part and you’ll just get everything you want in life.
4. You Believe that if You Do Everything Perfectly, it Will Be Smooth-Sailing
Nice guys have a fixed mindset. They hide their mistakes and shortcomings because they think they have to be perfect. They rely on external validation rather than having internal self-esteem.
Their worldview is often torn apart when they do everything “as they should” and still face trials and tribulations. Everyone will face unexpected problems in life. The world brings forth many disasters out of your control, like life-threatening illnesses, car accidents, or terrorist attacks.
Even on the person-to-person level, you can do everything “right” for your partner but she may not reciprocate or an illness may still plague her. You have to know when to move onto healthier relationships and be more realistic.
5. You Avoid As Much Conflict As You Can
Does this sound like you?
You don’t like fighting, arguing, or anything violent. You think the world can be a lot more peaceful so you avoid anytime of debate or conflict.
Nice guys avoid all conflict, but this extreme behavior leads to undesirable events. Sometimes, healthy debate is important for a healthy relationship. If you never push back or voice your opinion, the relationship is completely one-sided, which can lead to nothing getting resolved.
6. You Seek External Validation & Approval
Nice guys rely a lot on what the world tells them. If everyone thinks they’re awesome, they’re happy. If not, they’re crushed.
The problem with this model of the world is that you can’t always control external circumstances and they may be false representations of you as a person. Just because you aren’t doing well with women doesn’t mean you aren’t a good person.
Nice guys can quickly create toxic false assumptions about who they are.
7. You Have Toxic Shame You Try to Hide
Nice guys harbor deep insecurity or embarrassment. It could be anything from the religious implications of their behavior or their insecurities with how they’re different from others. Attempts to cover up this shame can play out in bizarre, unhelpful ways.
8. You Have Few or No Friendships With Other Masculine Men
Nice guys often had a upbringing that affected their behavior. Perhaps, they were brought up in a modern city that didn’t have a male rite of passage like most tribes used to. Or their father abandoned them at an earlier age.
Without a strong masculine tribe and friendships to learn from, nice guys adopt feminine behaviors that aren’t seen as attractive.
9. You’re Scared to Ask Others for a Favor Without Doing Anything in Return
Nice guys are often scared to death of asking someone do something for them if they can’t return the favor. Dr. Glover challenges you to ask three people to do something you could do yourself. If this feels like pulling teeth, it’s a red flag you’re a nice guy.
If so, start asking people on a frequent basis.
10. Everything Seems Fine to Others Until You Burst Like A Pressure Cooker
A nice guy will hold in negative events without letting anyone know so it builds and builds. Eventually, he bursts out in rage or frustration, which confuses people around him because they don’t see it coming.
It’s important to articulate what’s bothering you so others know. Work on saying “No” to requests. Nice guys always feel obligated to accept all requests from friends and family, which isn’t seen as attractive or the best use of his time.
Summary
Here’s a quick recap on the 10 signs you’re a nice guy, and how this could be destroying your success:
- Nice guy or a**hole seems to be the only two options
- You give expecting to get something in return
- You believe that if you’re nice, everyone will love & desire you
- You believe that if you do everything perfectly, it will be smooth-sailing
- You avoid conflict as much as you can
- You seek external validation & approval
- You have toxic shame you try to hide
- You have few or no friendships with other masculine men
- You’re scared to ask others for a favor without doing anything in return
- Everything seems fine to others until you burst like a pressure cooker
