50 Jay Mohr Quotes About Acting, Work & Life

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Which are your favorite Jay Mohr quotes?

Jay Mohr is an American actor, comedian, and radio host. He is best known for his portrayal as the backstabbing sports agent character ‘Bob Sugar’ in the popular comedy-drama film ‘Jerry Maguire’.

After his successful feature film debut in the movie, Mohr landed bigger acting jobs including the movies ‘Suicide Kings’, ‘Paulie’, and ‘Are We There Yet?’.

Mohr has also ventured into radio hosting. He started out hosting his own podcast, ‘Mohr Stories’. His debut turned out to be a success which got him to host another of his own podcasts, ‘Jay Mohr Sports’, which aired on the big radio network, ‘Fox Sports Radio’.

Here’s a collection of the best Jay Mohr quotes:


50 Jay Mohr Quotes About Acting, Work & Life

1. “I’ve been doing stand-up 29 years; there is no other career when you’re finding your stride 30 years into it.” – Jay Mohr

2. “I remember I used to go to The Laugh Factory and just goof off onstage, and then I’d see Dane Cook. He did a bit about his Mom making the bed in the summertime when he was a kid. He just said “Vroom!” and threw the sheet up in the air and the sheet would just stay over the bed for like a minute and a half. All he had were his arms out, but I could see the sheet. And he didn’t do anything. He just kept it there. And I went, I have to write more.” – Jay Mohr

3. “But if applause throws off your timing, then you’re not the kind of comedian I would like to see. All you have to do is stand there and take it.” – Jay Mohr

4. “I wasn’t the guy everyone liked. I was the guy that wouldn’t shut up.” – Jay Mohr

5. “You don’t really drive in cabs in L.A. unless you’re broke or homeless – or if you’re broke and driving the cab.” – Jay Mohr

6. “Most importantly, how impressive can I be to people that bought tickets, where they never feel, “It was pretty good.” If anyone thinks my show was “pretty good,” then I’ve completely failed. I think every comic should think that.” – Jay Mohr

7. “It’s always a job when you’re the reason they’re assembling. If you’re just doing shows and you’re on a lineup with eight other guys, it’s fun, it’s great.” – Jay Mohr

8. “I was the youngest kid on my street, the youngest comic in the clubs. I always felt like I was playing catch-up. I was very angry.” – Jay Mohr

9. “People are more interested in someone who goes on stage and tells the truth.” – Jay Mohr


10ht of 50 Jay Mohr Quotes

10. “You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.” – Jay Mohr


11. “Women have it good when it comes to masturbation. Guys, we just have our hands. For the rest of our lives, that’s it. Sometimes your friend will go, ‘Ever try your left hand? It’s like a whole different person.’ Yeah, a retarded person.” – Jay Mohr

12. “There seems to be a weird ceiling to being a stand-up as far as acting.” – Jay Mohr

13. “The first time I watched [Keith] Olbermann, his opening monologue, I completely changed the way I approached my radio show.” – Jay Mohr

14. “I never minded George Steinbrenner spending obscene amounts of money to put the best product on the field.” – Jay Mohr

15. “I wonder why there is a designated hitter in baseball after all these years? As an experiment, it seemed like a swell enough idea, but you would think the novelty would have worn off by now and everyone would get back to playing baseball.” – Jay Mohr

16. “Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.” – Jay Mohr

17. “I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.” – Jay Mohr

18. “Some ladies got the shower massager. Oh, man, you better buy her a diamond ’cause if she got a shower massager, she don’t really need you anymore. That shower massager makes a woman shake like a car on bad gas going up a hill.” – Jay Mohr

19. “I realized early I can manipulate the ceiling in the middle class. The allure becomes how far I can make the ceiling rise.” – Jay Mohr


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20. “It’s very good to know when you’re being lapped on the racetrack, ’cause you’ve got to put your foot down on the pedal and get going.” – Jay Mohr


21. “When human beings stop progressing at an endeavor, they stop enjoying it and move on to something else. Not golfers. Masochists, all of them.” – Jay Mohr

22. “Every imperfection you have as a man makes a sound as it knifes through satin sheets.” – Jay Mohr

23. “If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick.” – Jay Mohr

24. “Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.” – Jay Mohr

25. “True Yankees are born, not made.” – Jay Mohr

26. “I didn’t want to fight a guy from England. What if I lose? Not that English guys aren’t strong, but who wants to get beat up by a guy with that voice? That’s not the most masculine voice to take a beating to.” – Jay Mohr

27. “All that waiting around for a glimmer of stage time, just getting angry every week… It was just an oppressive, horrible, horrible place to be. I went to work feeling nauseous.” – Jay Mohr

28. “What I like about stand-up is, it’s truthful. I’m not up there trying to get laid or look cool. I’m up there because I really love it, and it makes people happier.” – Jay Mohr

29. “After spending the last 15 years guest hosting, I couldn’t be happier to get the opportunity to host my own show! I’m looking forward to talking sports, connecting with listeners, and interviewing amazing guests every day, while being a part of the FOX Sports Radio family. It was worth the wait.” – Jay Mohr


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30. “If it doesn’t know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.” – Jay Mohr


31. “If there are 1,500 people in a theater and they’re all there to see you, there are no other guys. You’re the guy. So it is a monastic life, it is very lonely if I was prone to loneliness. It’s a lot like wrestling, no one can throw a block for you, no one can give you a pass. Nobody can hand the ball off to you, it’s you only for an hour and a half every night.” – Jay Mohr

32. “I feel good. I’m much better. Actually, I just lost 10 pounds on a new diet called the flu. Has anyone tried that one out?” – Jay Mohr

33. “Not everyone likes sports. Gandhi and Malcolm X come to mind.” – Jay Mohr

34. “What bothers me most about today is that we’re getting used 2 it. ENOUGH. 2nd amendment must go. Violence has 2 stop. Culture MUST change.” – Jay Mohr

35. “If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.” – Jay Mohr

36. “Comedians are always going to be in the showbiz middle class, you’re not Brad Pitt; you’re never going to be Sam Rockwell or Shia LaBeouf or Leo DiCaprio. You’re a comic.” – Jay Mohr

37. “I’d go back, yeah. I don’t care, I got a kid, man – I’ll sell tampons. I mean, there’s no selling-out once you get a kid. I got a kid.” – Jay Mohr

38. “If you think you’re an alcoholic, go to Scotland. You’re not an alcoholic. These people are such drunken, toothless hillbillies – I’ve never seen anything like it. People in Scotland drink while they’re drinking.” – Jay Mohr

39. “I think I made a mistake once… yeah… it was only once.” – Jay Mohr


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40. “There is a lot of acting that is on the table – precisely, good acting. The best movies of mine are the ones that really nobody saw. The Groomsmen, Playing By Heart and Seeing Other People are by far the work I’m the most proud of.” – Jay Mohr


41. “The guy that designed girls’ volleyball uniforms definitely never had daughters.” – Jay Mohr

42. “Whenever I don’t feel so well, I always try remind myself of the Siamese twin whose brother is gay, whose boyfriend is coming over…and they share the same asshole.” – Jay Mohr

43. “I don’t know if you’ve ever been to England, but as soon as they find out you’re from America, they hate you. They just think they’re more sophisticated than we are. They’re so pissed at us. You know what it is? They’re mad because they lost the Revolutionary War, and they should be because there was only like nine of us.” – Jay Mohr

44. “I’m oddly not competitive. What I love about show business is there is a home for everyone.” – Jay Mohr

45. “As far as in my career, I don’t know what other form there is. I would love to do a talk show.” – Jay Mohr

46. “I hate golf. I do not understand how anyone can enjoy it, much less love it.” – Jay Mohr

47. “Marc Maron’s podcast success has nothing to do with my podcast success. If I do a quarter of a million downloads, I can show that to an advertiser as a fact, and that’s that.” – Jay Mohr

48. “There is a ceiling to it and there’s a stigma. Billy Crystal as brilliant as he is, he’s never going to be thought of as a contemporary like Alan Arkin.” – Jay Mohr

49. “I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you’re fat or have glasses, don’t show up because you’ll die.” – Jay Mohr

50. “She’s Cherokee Indian, which is great ’cause whenever we have sex, it rains.” – Jay Mohr



Thanks for checking out this collection of quotes from Jay Mohr! Don’t forget to share them on social media with your friends and family.

Which are your favorite Jay Mohr quotes? Leave a comment below.

Zisilia Alvsa
Zisilia Alvsa
Zisilia Alvsa is a writer for Wealthy Gorilla. Friends often call her Zii. She is a girl from Jakarta, Indonesia who currently lives in Bali. Zii loves photography and travelling.


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