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45 Hilarious & Light-Hearted Dave Attell Quotes

Zisilia Alvsa



45 Hilarious & Light-Hearted Dave Attell Quotes

Which are your favorite Dave Attell quotes?

Dave Attell is an American stand-up comedian, actor, and writer.

He is most recognized for hosting the widely celebrated TV show ‘Insomniac with Dave Attell’, which gained him a cult-like passionate fanbase.

Throughout his career as a comedian, Attell has earned respect and admiration of many renowned comics, including ‘Patton Oswalt’ and ‘Bill Burr.’

Attell has made notable appearances in popular TV series such as ‘Arrested Development,’ ‘Funny People’, and ‘Trainwreck’.

In addition to his many successes, Attell has also written episodes for the NBC’s Emmy Award-winning late-night comedy show ‘Saturday Night Live’ and ‘The Jon Stewart Show’ as well.

Here’s a collection of the best Dave Attell quotes:


45 Hilarious & Light-Hearted Dave Attell Quotes

1. “I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.” – Dave Attell

2. “Let’s say you’re in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don’t know, you have too many teeth.” – Dave Attell

3. “Pre-mature ejaculation. Let’s talk about it. Pre-mature ejaculation. That’s a pretty fancy term for, Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before.” – Dave Attell

4. “Remember when you’re young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he’s just a drunk who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell

5. “Once you get offstage you’re just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.” – Dave Attell

6. “So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly ’cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.” – Dave Attell

7. “I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they’re, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes.” – Dave Attell

8. “Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.” – Dave Attell

9. “Here’s a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there’s someone right behind you.” – Dave Attell


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10th of 50 Dave Attell Quotes

10. “I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again but with my ears.” – Dave Attell


11. “Don’t get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can’t get away.” – Dave Attell

12. “I’m not a movie guy, I’m not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.” – Dave Attell

13. “What’s the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.” – Dave Attell

14. “I never wanted to be famous.” – Dave Attell

15. “Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don’t you? ‘Damn I got to get the hell out of here! What was I thinking!’” – Dave Attell

16. “This one guy, the worse guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician and doesn’t do magic, I don’t like. I don’t even like magic, I hate it. But I love the word, “Ta-da”! I love that word! I don’t get to say it, right? I never do any magic. You just cant go around walking, “Ta-da!” “Ta-da!” “Ta-da!” The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising. Like if I go out all night drinking and hitting strip clubs and I come home and I still got some money …. “Ta–da!” I thought I was broke. Why does my jaw hurt?” – Dave Attell

17. “For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don’t know what happened to them. That’s the crowd that I like, the ones that don’t get so offended just to be offended.” – Dave Attell

18. “I get recognized, but I’m not really a famous famous.” – Dave Attell

19. “When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.” – Dave Attell


20th of 50 Dave Attell Quotes

20. “I’m a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it’s what I’ve been doing and it’s what I’m going to keep doing.” – Dave Attell


21. “I’m not like a performer type.” – Dave Attell

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22. “My gym has two-pound weights. If you’re using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What’s your dream? To pump up and open your mail?” – Dave Attell

23. “I don’t think I’m a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.” – Dave Attell

24. “You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?” – Dave Attell

25. “Men are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I’ll tell you why: it’s cuz of that one sick man, and it’s up to me and a half-mexican to stop him.” – Dave Attell

26. “I don’t mind a crowd’s not laughing; it’s the groans that slow down the show.” – Dave Attell

27. “Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.” – Dave Attell

28. “You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance…..the day has begun.” – Dave Attell

29. “There’s a late-night scene in every town, and everyone has something going on, … I’ve heard good stories about (Syracuse); this is a very good party town, a good drinking place. I definitely would like to come back and check it out further. Do some more research, as I call it.” – Dave Attell


30th of 50 Dave Attell Quotes

30. “My day jobs… I knew I was bad at those, so I didn’t really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.” – Dave Attell


31. “I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.” – Dave Attell

32. “I love Fear Factor, but I think they’re running out of fears. It’s only a matter of time before they’re sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.” – Dave Attell

33. “Everyone was laughin’. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.” – Dave Attell

34. “I’m not really a music guy.” – Dave Attell

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35. “If I had a kid, I’d give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I’d call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.” – Dave Attell

36. “I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I’ve discovered? I need a girlfriend.” – Dave Attell

37. “Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people ‘the cops.’ But you know, sometimes, you’ve just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!” – Dave Attell

38. “A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that’s about it.” – Dave Attell

39. “The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out at any moment. Hello. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? That sea otters have four nipples? Wait – don’t run away!” – Dave Attell


40th of 50 Dave Attell Quotes

40. “I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what’s going on.” – Dave Attell


41. “I’m a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.” – Dave Attell

42. “You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they’re both on fire – they’re exactly alike.” – Dave Attell

43. “I’m very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle…then I try and shoot it out. It’s like a carnival.” – Dave Attell

44. “I have no grand scheme.” – Dave Attell

45. “Even now, as we speak, people are having sex with animals. And we wonder why the animals attack us.” – Dave Attell



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Which are your favorite Dave Attell quotes? Leave a comment below.

Zisilia Alvsa is a writer for Wealthy Gorilla. Friends often call her Zii. She is a girl from Jakarta, Indonesia who currently lives in Bali. Zii loves photography and travelling.

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