50 Hilarious & Light-Hearted Jim Gaffigan Quotes

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Which are your favorite Jim Gaffigan quotes?

Jim Gaffigan is an American stand-up comedian, actor, producer, and writer. He has several successful comedy specials, such as ‘Mr. Universe’, ‘Obsessed’, ‘Cinco’, and ‘Quality Time’, which have received Grammy nominations.

Gaffigan has featured in many films including ’13 Going on 30′, ‘The Love Guru’, ’17 Again’, ‘Being Frank’, and ‘Drunk Parents’. He is one of the highest-paid comedians on the planet.

Here’s a collection of the best Jim Gaffigan quotes:


50 Hilarious & Light-Hearted Jim Gaffigan Quotes

1. “Whenever I’m out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: This city’s got big buildings. I like food. Bye.” – Jim Gaffigan

2. “Other people’s children’s birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.” – Jim Gaffigan

3. “For me, it’s always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at my bed and lament, ‘You were wonderful last night. I didn’t want it to end. I can’t wait to see you again.” – Jim Gaffigan

4. “For a comedian to kind of catch onto something right as something’s catching on in our culture, a lot of it is luck, and you hope the joke is funny.” – Jim Gaffigan

5. “A lot of people are like, “You’re doing commercials?” And I honestly feel like those Sierra Mist commercials are better than a lot of sitcoms I get offered. It’s hard work, and I’m paid a lot of money, and I do it because I love the soda.” – Jim Gaffigan

6. “I’m kind of like a guy who’s missing a little bit of the guy gene. Like, I love steak, but the notion of golfing is the last thing I would want to do. I love women, but I’m also a mama’s boy, and some of my best friends are women. So I’m kinda half guy’s guy.” – Jim Gaffigan

7. “I’m not a foodie; I’m an eatie. I don’t have anything against foodies. I just don’t have the time or the interest to do that much research.” – Jim Gaffigan

8. “I guess the reasons against having more children always seem uninspiring and superficial. What exactly am I missing out on? Money? A few more hours of sleep? A more peaceful meal? More hair? These are nothing compared to what I get from these five monsters who rule my life.” – Jim Gaffigan

9. “I’ve been doing stand-up for so long, I think 19 years, that I love topics I can also expand on. Once I identify a topic like, say, seafood, which is a big one right now, it’s like there are different kinds of tangents I can go on to build a larger chunk.” – Jim Gaffigan


10th of 50 Jim Gaffigan Quotes

10. “In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. … Having multiple kids, it’s been a gift in a way. It’s keeping the priorities straighter.” – Jim Gaffigan


11. “My wife’s gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, pregnant.” – Jim Gaffigan

12. “In stand up, you get an awareness of how you come across, but in acting there is almost a hyper-awareness on how you might be physically perceived.” – Jim Gaffigan

13. “Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.” – Jim Gaffigan

14. “I think comedians get too much credit or too much criticism for the style of comedy they do, and they generally do the style of comedy that works for them. There’s no kind of shrewd calculation going into the type of standup we all do. It’s like David Cross is supposed to be doing the David Cross’ type of standup.” – Jim Gaffigan

15. “It’s weird, I love acting and stand-up is a very unique, solitary thing where you are the writer, performer, and director. But acting is incredibly rewarding, working, and interacting with people to create funny moments. I can’t imagine not doing acting or stand-up, I really enjoy both of them that much.” – Jim Gaffigan

16. “I didn’t choose to be the guy who talks about the mundane – it’s just who I am and it’s what kind of works for me.” – Jim Gaffigan

17. “As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn’t matter what your personality is like, you will always be Al Gore to your wife’s Bill Clinton. She feels the pain and you are the annoying nerd telling them to turn off the lights.” – Jim Gaffigan

18. “As I go on in standup, I keep being described as cleaner and cleaner as I do each hour, they’re like, It’s unbelievable how clean, He’s the cleanest person in the world. And then I’ll do shows and people will be like, ‘You’re supposed to be so clean, but you’re talking about cancer.” – Jim Gaffigan

19. “I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There’s nothing planned about this.” – Jim Gaffigan


20th of 50 Jim Gaffigan Quotes

20. “I’m a guy who comes from a small town in the Midwest. It’s not in my nature to say the most explicit things in public.” – Jim Gaffigan


21. “I’m definitely hesitant wearing shorts during the summer. Like for a pale person, you know, summer – everyone in the world is so excited for summer, but pale people, we’re just like, oh no.” – Jim Gaffigan

22. “Without Valentine’s Day, February would be… well, January.” – Jim Gaffigan

23. “I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana – mafia.” – Jim Gaffigan

24. “No matter how you feel about your extended family or family gatherings you will be attending. This is because now the ultimate reason for attending family gatherings is for your children to have the time of their lives with their cousins. Little kids love their cousins. I’m not being cute or exaggerating here. Cousins are like celebrities for little kids. If little kids had a People magazine, cousins would be on the cover. Cousins are the barometers of how fun a family get-together will be. “Are the cousins going to be there? Fun!” – Jim Gaffigan

25. “I like bowling. It’s just one of those things where I can do so many jokes about it because I do know bowling. Somebody once said, The whitest things in the world are Jim Gaffigan and bowling.” – Jim Gaffigan

26. “I kind of consider myself… I mean, I try to have my comedy be accessible, and if people are paying $30 to see me in a theater and they want to have their picture taken with me, it’s not the end of the world. It’s one of those things, where I’m not the only comic who does it. A lot of comics do it. If I’m doing a 4,000-seat venue, it might be a little bit of a different task, but it’s all good.” – Jim Gaffigan

27. “Oh great, socks. You know I’m dying for your sins, right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They’ll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?” – Jim Gaffigan

28. “I don’t have any delusions. I’m not a novelist – I’m a comedian who writes. I love doing the stand-up and the touring and the albums and all that, but it’s pretty amazing to go into a library and see your book there.” – Jim Gaffigan

29. “I’m bald, blind, and pale. I’m like a gigantic recessive gene.” – Jim Gaffigan


30th of 50 Jim Gaffigan Quotes

30. “I like that in my audiences, there’s a lesbian couple sitting next to a Mormon family.” – Jim Gaffigan


31. “Television’s very much a writer’s medium, as it probably should be, but if you’re not the writer, then as the performer, you defer to that. It’s just kind of how it’s constructed. Is there some leeway? Yeah. But I also don’t want to come across as a jerk.” – Jim Gaffigan

32. “If someone picks up one thing you’ve written, you want them to go, Wow, this is pretty good.” – Jim Gaffigan

33. “Babies and toddlers are mostly what I’ve been exposed to at this point. I’m hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does, right?” – Jim Gaffigan

34. “There should be a children’s song: If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.” – Jim Gaffigan

35. “There is this false perception that comedians can never be serious. It’s like from like the era of court jesters.” – Jim Gaffigan

36. “I don’t think comedians make an active decision to be a certain “persona.” Comedians write the way they’re going to write.” – Jim Gaffigan

37. “Whatever a writer gets paid for his book, it’s never enough. I think that’s true. It’s hard work. But in the end, you wrote a book. It’s something real and tangible that sits on a shelf forever.” – Jim Gaffigan

38. “Isn’t it strange — when you’re single, all you see is couples, and when you’re part of a couple, all you see are hookers.” – Jim Gaffigan

39. “Comedians rarely have writers, and if you do it’s usually a sign of laziness.” – Jim Gaffigan


40th of 50 Jim Gaffigan Quotes

40. “You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They’re always so condescending. ‘Ah, the book was much better than the movie.’ Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.” – Jim Gaffigan


41. “The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.” – Jim Gaffigan

42. “I always want my standup act to appeal to everybody in the room, and when I started standup, and I would see people talk about their kids and their wife, and I’d always cringe a little bit, like, I can’t get a date, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” – Jim Gaffigan

43. “I should clarify that anyone that goes onstage and makes strangers laugh is insane. So I am insane.” – Jim Gaffigan

44. “I married a woman who loves to camp, and I am what you would call “indoorsy”… My wife always brings up, “Camping’s a tradition in my family.” Hey, it was a tradition in everyone’s family ’til we came up with the house.” – Jim Gaffigan

45. “Pie can’t compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen.” – Jim Gaffigan

46. “My comedy is romanticized laziness.” – Jim Gaffigan

47. “Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wi-Fi? Asking for a friend.” – Jim Gaffigan

48. “There are some people who know who I am but there are a lot of people that have no idea who I am – which is not to say that that’s a bad thing.” – Jim Gaffigan

49. “People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it?” – Jim Gaffigan

50. “I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I’m nothing. Because if you’re Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, ‘He’s got a Latin temper!’ If you’re a white guy and you get angry, people are like, That guy’s a jerk.” – Jim Gaffigan



Thanks for checking out this collection of quotes from Jim Gaffigan! Don’t forget to share them on social media with your friends and family.

Which are your favorite Jim Gaffigan quotes? Leave a comment below.

Zisilia Alvsa
Zisilia Alvsa
Zisilia Alvsa is a writer for Wealthy Gorilla. Friends often call her Zii. She is a girl from Jakarta, Indonesia who currently lives in Bali. Zii loves photography and travelling.


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